I was sinking into the old, tattered, second-hand couch at my girlfriend’s place the other night, demanding… pleading… begging her and her roommates to “allow” us to watch something other than the titillating search for Paris Hilton’s new BFF. After some expert debating, (big shout out to 10th grade debate teacher Mrs. Posner) I was able to enforce my will to, not only change the channel, but change it to sports (translation: the six girls allowed the change based almost purely on the fact that their favorite gay guy/girl, Onch, had already been kicked off. TTYN.) One of the girls is from Los Angels and loves her Lakers, so if the channel was changing, due to the decibel of her voice, there was only one option. You should be proud and I should be happy, right? I was just able to complete the near impossible: getting six girls in their early 20s to change the TV from a show of girls and gay guys gossiping, yelling, drinking and being “fabulous,” to sports. A point for the guys, right?
Well, as I sat on this couch, that I was pretty sure they stole from a trash pile in an alley, reveling in my accomplishment, with the background noise of male supremacy ringing in my ear, I began to realize something: I don’t really like the Lakers. Actually, I hate the Lakers. At least this year’s Lakers, and probably last year’s as well. And, as I sat there, watching and listening, I began to hate them more and more.
Let me make one thing clear: I love basketball, but I don’t have a team. I have favorite players and they usually dictate my rooting interest but I don’t have a Giants or Niners in The Association. You see, before the age of nine I was raised in the Napa Valley. Great for wine, not much basketball. Because of this and the facts that A) the Warriors, the closest team, was terrible and B) my dad was never a big basketball fan, I never became a fan of Tim Hardaway and Chris Mullen. In 1995, I moved to the Sacramento area. I could have become a King’s fan but when I moved there the Kings were like the awkward, ugly, geeky girl and then Geoff Petrie gave her a makeover and just like that, the Kings went from a Screech to a Kelly and the area went wild. Except me. Most of these people didn’t have a clue about basketball but because the Kings started winning they became fans. I can’t stand that, so I took it out on the Kings. They lost my fanship. I know they regret it. Long story short: I don’t hate the Lakers as a result of loyalty to another team. I think that I probably would have really liked the Lakers in the 80s; Magic is one of my favorite players of all-time. But I hate these Lakers. I can’t stand them. Here’s why:
Their Players
I think they get this from Kobe, but they Lakers are just so smug. Even the guys that hardly play like Sasha and Ariza, and Turiaf from last year’s team. Bill Maher needs to make a new rule: If you’re a bench player, unless you’re Manu Ginobli, don’t act like you’re one of the top 10 players in the game because you’re not. You don’t start. You must be confident to be a professional athlete but they are just too confident and it made me so happy to see them get beat down by the Celtics last year.
Also, I’ve never met him, but Gasol seems like he is just seeping with arrogance and Spanish self-righteousness with his long, un-kept hair and grizzly beard.
Kobe Bryant is obviously one of the top two players in the world but he is just so unlikable. Not even Lakers’ fans like him. Go back to Italy already!
Also, the Lakers are ugly. They just are. Radmonavic, Pau, Sasha, Luke, Chris Mihm, they’re all ugly. Not since the last Dick Cheney Family Reunion has there been a larger collection of ugly people in one area. I think Mitch Kupchak and Phil Jackson assemble their team this way so that Mitch can feel better about himself and so that Jeanie Buss, the owner’s daughter and Jackson’s girlfriend, won’t be calling someone else her Zen Master.
I did like one Laker from the past two years. Coby Karl. He tried hard, played hard and seemed like a good guy. No wonder they cut him.
The Coach
I actually like Phil Jackson. He may be smug at times but he’s earned it. He’s a fantastic coach who nearly always pushes the right buttons. I’d take Phil to be my coach every time.
Misc.: Announcers, Fans and Colors
Every home team, broadcasting pair is going to be biased. I accept this fact. But for some reason it is just so much more annoying when done by Stu Lantz and Joel Meyers. The Lakers can do no wrong, the referees are only right when the call goes for the Lakers and the other team, even if they’re killing the Lakers, is just not quite as good. And, I don’t know if any other cities do this, I’m sure they do, but on local TV, after Lakers’ games there is an after show for the next three hours praising Bynum’s amazing speed and quickness, Derek Fisher’s energy and youth, and, while they had him, Kwame Brown’s intelligence. You think I’m kidding, I’m not.
This brings me to their fans, or all LA fans for that matter. They don’t care. Possibly, as ESPN columnist, Bill Simmons has surmised, LA isn’t as dedicated to their sports and sport stars because they have real stars. This may be elitist, but as you could tell from my falling out with the Kings, I don’t care for “die hard” fans who know nothing about their team or the inner workings of the game. I’m sorry, but don’t tell me your team is All World, if you’re unable to tell me HOW your team is All World (this is getting me worked up, I feel like Bill O’Reilly when he found out Barack Obama was black.)
Lastly, their colors bug me. I just don’t like them. I have come up with at least seven better uniforms when I have moved my Madden franchise in Madden ’09. Jerry Buss, call me, I’ll hook you guys up.
Finally, I hate because I care. If the Lakers were the Grizzlies, they could be as ugly, smug, annoying and dirty as possible with the worst uniforms and I wouldn’t care because the Grizzlies are awful it would just add insult to their awfulness. But the Lakers are good, so I care. I care enough to hate.
Note: while I write this, the Lakers are getting crushed at home by the Pistons and Kwame Brown (10 pts, 10 boards through three quarters), who are on the back end of a back-to-back. The NBA: where karma happens.
