Dear Bay Area,
Hang in there. Relationships suck. They do. Don’t argue with me, I don’t want to hear it. Even if you’re in one and you love it, eventually they suck; it’s a fact of life. They make you sick to your stomach, they give you migraines and they age you to the point that you start looking like Steven Adler on Celebrity Rehab. So why, why, WHY do we all love them? Why do we put ourselves on this roller coaster of emotions knowing that every single relationship fails and never fails to inflict excruciating pain upon us like the crazy guy from the Saw movies?
But knowing that relationships suck and admitting that we are doomed to be a part of them doesn’t seem to make it any easier when we’re going through the rough times. And, Bay Area, we are going through some tough times. I know we don’t always get along, but maybe it’s not our fault. Society has forced us to pick between the Giants and A’s, the 49ers and the Raiders, between Cal and Stanford, and between the Warriors and your favorite U-14 AAU team, a team about which you’re pretty sure understands the fundamentals of defense better than the entire Golden State franchise. But even though we are engineered to hate each other, there is one thing we can all agree on. We’re terrible. Without exception, right now the entire Bay Area is, as Bill Walton would say, awwwfull. Just hang in there and try to see the silver lining. San Francisco
The Giants
The Giants ranked in the bottom three in the entire league in slugging, runs scored and home runs. But as painful as it feels to have a Molina brother bat clean up, the Giants’ pitching staff (silver lining alert) ranked in the top half of the league in opponents’ batting average, earned runs allowed and second in the entire league in strikeouts. I know it hurts but just think, every fifth day you get to watch the reincarnation of Doc Gooden (minus the drug problems) march out to the mound for a double digit strikeout performance. And, while the minors appear to be a black hole for hitting, Buster Posey should be up very soon; if this doesn’t make you smile than just remember that Dodgers got crushed by the Phillies. See, you’re smiling.
The A’s
The A’s were only a slightly better offensive team than the Giants. Near the bottom in home runs and runs scored, and dead last in team average. The A’s even had a decent staff. So if you’re an A’s fan, why does it feel like your girlfriend keeps cheating on you at every party the two of you attend? Probably because if you watched the postseason, then you saw half your team playing major roles on championship contenders. But cheer up Oakland. Just because your shortstop is continuously injured, your team apparently is set on never keeping a solid first baseman, and the franchise acts like the underpaid gardeners when it comes to pitchers – bringing them up, making them beautiful, only so that the old, rich, white teams get credit for them – there is plenty to be excited for. First, the farm system is always stacked (Go Rivercats!). Second, you let Barry Zito get away at the right time. And third, if the Rays can do it then there’s hope for us all.
The Raiders
There is no hope for you. That is until the Men In Black agency finally sends Mr. Davis back to wherever he is from (I mean, really, his disguise isn’t even that good anymore). No one wants to coach there, the only players that want to go there anymore are ones who are solely interested in the money and the only fans that show up anymore are… well, never mind. Sure, there are some talented players. How can you not like McFadden (as long as he stays healthy), Russell’s arm (provided he learns how to read a play book, let alone a defense) or Asomugha and Burgess on the defense? But if playing in a terrible stadium, gaining negative yards in half while giving up 300, and dumping starters for cap room has you feeling down, just be glad you’re not in the NBA and don’t have to deal with the lottery which means you’ll have a top 5 pick, and no one can take that away from you. I can already hear the Michael Crabtree chants.
The 49ers
Don’t laugh at the Raiders, you’re not much better off. With a quarterback depth chart that is more fit for the CFL than the NFL, a coach with no pants (I actually really like Coach Sing) and an offense of coordinator that refuses to give the best player the ball (Frank Gore has had 20 carries or more only once this season. ONCE!), the 49ers are no where close to making a return to prominence. The defense is underperforming for all the work that was supposed to have been done to it, the draft picks, other than Patrick Willis, are not working out (Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, Rashaun Woods, Mike Rumph?) and the front office has been in disarray since the late 1990s. Bright side? In 2012 the Niners move into a beautiful new home, which they in no way deserve. Congrats.
The Warriors, Cal and Stanford
You all play in leagues that are filled with teams that are heads and shoulders above you. Get better players. Please.
So we all suck. But we are in it together. This is no longer an orange or green Bay Area, or a red or black one. No, we are a united Bay Area, held together seemingly by our desire to inflict pain, not on each other, but upon ourselves. So remember, hang in there. I know sometimes it can sometimes feel like you’re Tina and your team is Ike but trust me, you’ll get through it. Just look for the bright spots and the silver linings and thank God that you’re not either a Cubs fan or living in Seattle.
